If you have kids and a significant other with whom you have frequent arguments or general conflicts, then it's time to examine how that conflict affects the kids. Parents fight and families go through rough times, but experts say that the manner in which you handle things, coupled with the way conflict is resolved, determines how kids deal with problems and arguments. First of all, physical confrontations seem to have the most detrimental effect on children. One study of 3,000 adults who, as children, witnessed their parents fighting, found that they were more likely to be depressed adults, more than three times more likely to be involved in abusive relationships, and were almost twice as likely to abuse alcohol. It's obvious that physical abuse is detrimental, but what about regular verbal arguments? If they're approached in a respectful manner in which both sides negotiate and compromise with one another while listening to each other, then children learn valuable skills that they carry into adulthood.
It's unrealistic to keep kids from witnessing arguments at all costs, for example, when parents leave the room in a good mood, then go into the bedroom to argue and come out unhappy. Kids may infer that the disagreement had something to do with them, fostering feelings of guilt and shame. Noticing your kids' reactions when you fight is important - they may act out or become clingy in order to distract you from arguing. Girls and boys react differently to fighting - researchers find that boys tend to withdraw and girls attempt to get involved. When children involve themselves in this manner, they're more likely to blame themselves when there are negative outcomes of the argument, like the silent treatment, more arguing or ultimately a breakup. Children need to see that when conflict occurs that it's also resolved. Using humor and affection to wrap things up can reassure kids that things are going to be OK when the going gets tough.