If you and your partner are getting a little bored in the bedroom, you can learn a lot from strip clubs. But don't turn your nose up - after all, there has to be a reason they're so popular, right? Here are some tips on how to give a home striptease worthy of the club. Best of all, if you get down and dirty after the tease it'll be, you know, legal.
For Women
The most important thing to remember about a home striptease is that you are catering to a very specific audience: your man. This gives you a distinct advantage over your average club stripper. Before you even get started, you already know if your man is a boob guy or a butt guy. This inside information will help you choose a sexy ensemble that is right for your home striptease. Most of your routine is focused on the slow, sexy dance that reveals your curves.
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When it comes to choosing an eye-popping outfit, it doesn't matter whether you go for the innocent school girl look, a sexy maid, or a latex-suit-wearing dominatrix; just pick something that you know will turn him on. A garter belt that hugs your hips is always a hit, so always keep a pair of thigh highs on hand.
There's a lot to be said for the element of surpise. Don't let your guy in on your dirty little secret until you make your debut. Just be sure to choose a number that is sure to resonate with him. Be sure to go for his soft spots.
Once you choose a sexy ensemble, it's time to practice the actual moves that will drive him wild. This, again, comes back to what your partner likes. If you know he'll go for the breast laid plans, then rock a push-up bra and keep your barely covered chest in his face while you roll your pelvis in a circle over his lap.
If you know for a fact that he stares at your derriere every time you exit a room, then practice a wiggle move that starts at your chest, moves through your hips and ends with a fluid backside bounce.
The delicate balance between trashy and classy is key to any home striptease. The idea is to rile him up and put you in control. Done well, your striptease will probably segue into sex, but the tease part of this should include a lot of, well, teasing. Choosing a sexy ensemble and getting into the groove are just half the battle. Think about how you can build him up until you are ready to break him down.
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Paying attention to his body language or just asking outright what he wants goes a long way here. It's much easier to choose a sexy ensemble or practice dance moves for a home striptease when you know exactly what he likes.
For Men
Like wearing a pink shirt, stripping takes a real man who cares about what his girl likes. Why do we break out the pink button up on date night? Basically, if she loves it, we'll do it - both for brownie points, and because we actually really care, contrary to popular belief.
Nevertheless, the idea of doing our best impersonation of Magic Mike is enough to make even the bravest among us puke. The way we see it, there are two ways your average male home strip show can go without being terrible: funny or romantically sexy.
Unless you look like a movie star (or your girl seems to be under the impression that you do) or are actually a professional male stripper, you probably shouldn't go for the over-the-top sexy thing.
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Most guys actually end up feeling pretty comfortable with the romantically sexy approach. The trick is to not make the whole affair seem staged or awkward. Let it be a natural part of foreplay. You've put some music on before going to town before, right? This is no different. Time is on your side so take plenty of it. Nothing turns a girl on more than romance, and if you want the hottest sex of your life, you've got to pay your dues and restrain yourself for a while.
Do the opposite of what you normally do -- wait it out. Instead of preparing to pounce, put on some music, undress slowly, move with the music (but don't hurt yourself), spend a lot of time touching and kissing her body, and then cap it off by nibbling her earlobe and whispering the most romantic thing you can come up with.
That's a romantic striptease. You can even retain your man card.
If you're a naturally funny guy and you and your partner seem to segue from laughing together to banging each other with ease, you might want to give a funny striptease a try.
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And not just fun because it feels really good, but actually fun - like as much fun as anything you did when you were a kid. In fact, sex really is like a playground for adults, but many of us just don't know it.
If your relationship isn't there yet, don't try to force humor into the bedroom. But if you and your partner get how crazy sexy casual sex is, then give a pre-game show a shot. Download the worst club song you can find, dance like the uncoordinated man that you are, and make her laugh.
Women love a man who can make them laugh; it makes them feel confident about themselves for picking a guy who makes them feel so good. If you can make sex fun for her, she'll see you in a whole new light.