Breaking up is hard to do. It can be hard even if you are the initiator or if you are the one being dumped. Why are they so hard? First, if you are the one being dumped, the pain you feel can be enormous. Second, if you are the initiator, it's the feeling of change that can be hard to deal with. Suddenly being alone can be difficult to deal with; leaving some to feel it will never end... the loneliness.
However, there is hope because there are ways to reduce the suffering you are feeling, allowing you to move on with life. So how do you get over a break up? There are 4 steps to help you recover.{relatedarticles}
Step (1) Be Patient -
Have you ever heard the patience is a virtue? Well, when you are dealing with a break up this is true. You should have patience with the feelings you have, your grief and the pain. If you want, scream, cry, pitch a fit, do what you must. However, don't think for one minute those feelings will last. Have patience that it will pass.
As time passes, you may realize that the pain, hurt and anger are gone. This allows you to face life without past baggage. In saying that, don't rush right into a relationship after you discovered your pain has vanished. Instead, wait to find someone special and have patience that it will happen.
Step (2) Be Flexible -
Have you ever faced this scenario before: It's a Monday and you've been asked by friends to go out on Friday evening? You plan all week for it and then Friday comes around, you just don't feel like going out. Try to make plans flexible. If you can listen to what your emotions and body are telling you. Be patient in that when you are ready, you'll get out more. A good exercise to help heal the pain is writing. Place all your emotions and feelings there.{relatedarticles}
Step (3) Give It Time -
Remember to give yourself time to get over your break up. Some friends may tell you get out and go mingle. However, what's actually best is to grief, cry, and be sad or angry. Feel these emotions to work through the moods. You should be out of the funk within two weeks. If it goes past that, talk with your physician about it. You could be suffering from depression. Try talking with someone who cares for you too. It helps too!
Step (4) Have Faith -
Remember that the feelings you have now do not last. You will smile again where you cry now. You'll find someone who will make you get over you ex and make you wonder why you even cried over them in the first place. What do you need to have? Have a little faith, that is.{relatedarticles}
About The Author
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Have problems in bed? A poor body image? Trouble talking to or approaching women? Premature ejaculation? Then you may want to consider a sex surrogate. Sexual surrogacy is a unique type of therapy designed to placate sexual and social anxiety and treat patients with sexual issues and dysfunctions.
A surrogate is almost like a sexual or social stand-in. Through socialization, as well as sexual and physical contact, a surrogate can help patients treat underlying issues. According to the International Professional Surrogates Association, the work of a surrogate is "designed to build client self-awareness and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy. {relatedarticles}
Each program is designed to increase the client's knowledge, skills, and comfort. As the days pass, clients find themselves becoming more relaxed, more open to feelings, and more comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy." Sex surrogates often treat patients through a combination of talking, touching, physical contact and even intercourse.
A sex surrogate can be helpful in treating a number of sexual problems, including:
- premature ejaculation - the inability of a man to delay ejaculation or ejaculate at the appropriate time;
- erectile dysfunction - problems achieving an erection in sexual situations;
- problems with orgasms - either the inability to have them or a dissatisfaction with the current level of orgasms;
- fear of intimacy - anxiety related to physical contact or emotional closeness;
- sexual shame - feeling guilty or shameful for having sexual desires or experiences;
- self-confidence issues - having low confidence or a negative image of oneself;
- fear because of sexual abuse or trauma - this could be because of rape, incest, etc.;
- sexual orientation issues - confusion about one's sexual orientation or leaning;
- issues with sexual appetite - the lack of or a low level of sexual desire ;
- social anxiety - trouble interacting with people, socializing and more;
- lack of experience - especially in the case of a virgins; and
- lubrication issues - the inability to become properly lubricated before or during sex.
Essentially, you see a sex surrogate like you would a therapist. Typical sessions will begin with you and your surrogate talking about your sexual issues and anxieties. Unlike a typical therapist, however, a sex surrogate will be more "hands on" in their approach to your treatment. Sex surrogates use sexual encounters and physical interactions to treat their patients.{relatedarticles}
According to a New York Magazine article, Rita Bell, a New York sex surrogate, regularly uses massages, sensual touching, bubble baths, massages and intercourse to help her patients attack their issues, although not all patients' treatments require full-on intercourse. "There is no sex just for the sake of having sex. It's about solving the problem," Rita says.
Through physical encounters, sex surrogates can help patients build sexual skills, a healthy body image and an improved comfort level with intimacy. Continued treatment with a sex surrogate can also help patients learn to develop healthy ongoing relationships and proper social skills.
Sex surrogates don't just provide sex. According to a 1983 study of surrogates by Dr. Raymond J. Noonan, 48% of a surrogate's time is spent on non-sexual exercises and experiences.{relatedarticles}
The study also showed that surrogates spent 34% of the time talking with their patients and another 4.5% teaching them social skills, often in public settings. Only 13% of a surrogate's time goes toward sexual encounters, according to the study, and most of these are toward the end of the patient's treatment program.
In addition to helping patients cope with definitively sexual problems, sex surrogates often work with patients on their communication skills, emotional attachment issues and even their hygiene, with the ultimate goal of helping the patient become a more sexually and socially healthy person.
According to sex surrogate Lisa Carr on CarnalNation.com, surrogacy "aims to enrich the client's world sensually and emotionally as well as erotically."
Sexual surrogacy was developed in 1970 by sex researchers William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson. Masters and Johnson conducted an 11-year study in which female volunteers provided hands-on treatments for sexual problems and issues. The study followed the treatment of 510 married couples, 54 single men and 3 single women.
Masters and Johnson saw a staggering 75% success rate with the single men in the study. The full results of the study and the pair's idea for a sex surrogacy treatment program were released in the book Human Sexual Inadequacy.{relatedarticles}
If you have issues with intimacy, lack sexual experience or have social or sexual anxieties, treatment with a sex surrogate may be able to help you conquer your problems. Not only can a sex surrogate give you help in treating the physical aspects of your issues, but they can help you develop better communication skills and improved self-confidence.
Before considering a sex surrogate, ensure you have the funds to back it up. According to sex surrogate Lisa Carr, the typical cost for sexual surrogacy treatment is pretty expensive, coming in at about $2,500. Health insurance usually will not cover any part of it.
Sexual surrogacy is also fairly unorthodox treatment, so there may not be a sex surrogate in your immediate area. You may need to budget for travel expenses, lodging and more for your treatment.
Sex surrogates have seen success in treating men and women of all ages, races and sizes, and they could help you. But remember, a sexual surrogate is not just there for sexual encounters.
Be prepared to have open and honest conversations about your problems, sexual history and intimacy issues. You will also need to disclose your medical history as well as any medications you are currently on, as these could be effecting your sexual health.{relatedarticles}
There is no tried and true way to determine whether you need a sex surrogate or not. If you are willing to put in the time, effort and hard work that therapy with a sex surrogate will require, it may be a beneficial treatment for you to seek.
A sex surrogate can help you tackle sexual and social issues, as well as enhance your social, communication and relationship-building skills, thus improving your overall quality of life.
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By Michael Brady
Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks.
Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person. {relatedarticles}
Do you identify with any of these statements?
"He never listens to me when I talk!"
"She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!"
"It's like talking to a brick wall"
"I can't get through to you"
"We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight"
"She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her"
"He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues"
Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.
Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process.
Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication
1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings.
2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience.
3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts.{relatedarticles}
4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions.
5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.
"The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself.
6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions.
Listening and Feedback
Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication.
Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact.
Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing.{relatedarticles}
Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind.
It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback.
If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions!
Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive.
Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:
Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)
Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)
Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal){relatedarticles}
Giving in (passive, submissive)
Avoidance (denial, withdrawal)
Constructive Style - trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:
Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)
Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)
Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty)
When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers.
When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn't going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful:
1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn't about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don't forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument!{relatedarticles}
2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it.
3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as "I feel..." rather than "I think you..."
4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you.
5. Create multiple solutions. Don't go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension.
6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other.
7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn't work - go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest.
8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue.{relatedarticles}
Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication
Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled.
Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents.
19 Steps to Effective Communication
1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down.
2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)
3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding.
4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person's worth as a human being. "Avoid statements which begin with the words "You never ..." or "I think you ...".
5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness.
6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with "You always ..."
7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.
8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception)
9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you - especially if you are not sure.{relatedarticles}
10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.
11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.
12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.
13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood.
14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, "you shouldn't feel like that."
15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person's feelings.
16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.
17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others.{relatedarticles}
18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining.
19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.
Summary
As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.
About The Author
Michael Brady is web entrepreneur and is currently running a very popular dating site (Dating In Ireland). He wishes to coach people on some skills that will make them more prepared for an online dating experience.
The author invites you to visit: http://www.datinginireland.singlescrowd.com.
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