We hear so often, "Don't take it personally." What does this really mean? The answer is NOT simple!
Let's say that you are in a great mood, feeling loving and expansive, and someone - either someone close to you or a stranger like a clerk in a store - is withdrawn or attacking.{relatedarticles}
This is when it is important to not take it personally. Their behavior is coming from whatever is going on for them - they are tired, not feeling well, feeling inadequate, angry from a previous interaction, judging themselves, coming from their own fears of rejection or engulfment, and so on. When you take their behavior personally, it is because you want to believe that you have some control over their behavior. You want to believe that if only you were different, they wouldn't treat you badly. This is a huge false belief, as you have no control over what is going on with them, and their behavior has nothing to do with you.
On the other hand, let's say that you are in your ego wounded self, and you are shut down, harsh, attacking, blaming, or people-pleasing. When this is the case, if others are also shut down or attacking, their behavior might be personal to a certain extent. They might be taking your behavior personally and reacting to it from their own ego wounded self.
{relatedarticles}While you are not causing them to react with withdrawal or attack - it is the fact that they are taking your behavior personally that is causing them to react - you are also not innocent in the interaction. So it is always important to notice your own open or closed energy to see whether their behavior is not at all about you, or whether they are being reactive with you.
Another scenario to be aware of is: if you are open and loving and another is closed and harsh, their behavior DOES affect you. Even if you do not take their behavior personally, their unloving behavior can cause some deeper core feelings of loneliness, helplessness, heartache, heartbreak, and sadness. Taking their behavior personally may be a way to cover over these deeper painful feelings, because when you tell yourself that their behavior is your fault, then you might feel anxious, depressed, guilty, or shamed. As bad as these feelings feel, they are actually easier to feel because you are the one causing them by taking their behavior personally.
Likewise, if you are the withdrawn or harsh one, and a person close to you is not taking your behavior personally and are feeling their own core painful feelings caused by your unloving behavior, they may choose not to be with you. They might not want to be with you when you are withdrawn or attacking. In this case, it is important that you DO take their behavior personally and explore what you are doing that is resulting in exactly what you likely don't want - their moving away from you.
{relatedarticles}The bottom line is that if you are being open and loving, then it is important to never take another's behavior personally. If you are operating from your wounded self and are withdrawn or attacking, then you might want to explore your own behavior when others are also withdrawn, attacking, or when they disengage from you because they don't want to be around you.
Your open and loving behavior is NEVER the cause of another's unloving behavior. Your closed, withdrawn or harsh behavior is also not the cause of their closed, withdrawn or harsh behavior, but can be the cause of them not wanting to be with you, and it is important to open to learning about your own withdrawn or harsh behavior.
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If you feel like you've lost touch with the woman you once were, then you need to step back and take a look at what's really going on in your relationship.
Ironically, the very act of falling in love in the first place feels like one is losing oneself in the romance. At the best of times, this feeling is experienced by both partners. But generally speaking, it tends to be sustained throughout the relationship to a greater extent with women.{relatedarticles}
Pleasing Too Much
Women are taught to value cooperation over confrontation and may find themselves pretending to agree with something rather than challenge it. Part of it may be due to our tendencies toward giving our hearts completely and forgetting about our own needs along the way.
Many of us have learned our peacekeeping skills from very early on. These may become so ingrained over time that it becomes difficult to put ourselves first.
So if you find yourself suppressing your own dreams and visions for the the sake of wanting to please, you are creating a co-dependency, where your inner happiness depends on successfully pleasing your partner.{relatedarticles}
As a result, you are keeping a vital part of yourself hidden from view. If your partner doesn't have the chance to experience the real you, there is no longer a healthy give and take in the relationship. There is an emotional inequity. If this continues, it can lead to hidden resentments and crushed dreams.
Back Into Balance
To get back into a healthy balance, give yourself some space. Take some "me" time to be alone and happy. This can be as simple as finding a quiet corner to do something on your own and recharge your sense of self. Here are a few suggestions:
* Spend an evening with no interruptions, rejuvenating in your own special way like reading a special book, luxuriating in a bubble bath, dreaming new dreams...etc..
* Go shopping or spend time with good friends, just goofing around without any worries.
* Develop new friendships and interests to energize yourself and enjoy a new sense of creativity.
* Learn to be more assertive in the moment and state your needs without hurting others.{relatedarticles}
* Set new boundaries so you can garner more respect and appreciation from your partner. Don't forget you trained your partner to treat you the way he does now; you just need to notch it up to a new and healthier level.
Most of all, commit to having more fun in your relationship. Support each other in your individual strengths and encourage each others growth. Respect each other's differences but most of all, be authentic.
When you make your needs a priority in your own life, your relationship will indeed reap the rewards in the healthiest way possible.{relatedarticles}
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