by Lisa Myer
Jenny's diet plan was driving Jim around the bend. After the birth of their first child, Jenny didn't lose the 40 pounds of baby weight she put on during her pregnancy. Caring for an infant precluded her ability to zip off to the gym, and disruptions in the couple's schedule made for a lot of fast food dinners. Instead of seeking the advice of a dietitian, Jenny designed her own plan that limited her to salads and liquid diet supplements that seemed to keep her on the verge of starvation.
When her excess weight didn't melt off quickly, Jenny became depressed and inhibited, eschewing Jim's amorous overtures. To cheer his wife up, Jim hired a sitter and took her out to their favorite Italian food restaurant. But Jenny picked at her garden salad listlessly, occasionally eyeing Jim balefully as he scarfed down his fettuccine alfredo. There was a weighty silence on the drive back home. Jim didn't understand what he'd done wrong.
Eileen's relationship with Jack -- and their respective relationships with food -- was a reversal of the old nursery rhyme. A binge eater of all things sugary and fried, Jack could literally eat no lean and at 5'11 tipped the scales at 250 pounds. Jack made half-hearted attempts at weight reduction, relying on fad diets that lasted only a week and left him fatigued, cranky, and even more despondent.
Eileen, who was in tip-top health and in training for a marathon, criticized Jack's unhealthy methods of weight management. Jack was envious of what he perceived as Eileen's effortless accomplishment of maintaining a fit build. Often, he'd sabotage her efforts by planning impromptu movie dates at times when he knew she normally went to the gym. Eileen became frustrated. It seemed as though Jack was transferring his own lack of self-esteem-and self-discipline directly onto her.
The relevance of food during courtship
Sociologists agree -- the provision and sharing of food is an important part of pair-bonding necessary to ensure the perpetuation of the species. When we feed each other, it's not just a sign of love; we are performing a ritual that we've been biologically programmed to do ever since the first sentient homosapien clubbed a wooly mammoth and drug it back to the cave for the woman in his life to prepare.
Male birds gather worms to feed the woman in their lives so she can keep eggs warm in the family nest. Female lions stalk and kill prey and haul it back to the pride for her mate's consumption. Human courtship usually doesn't begin on the tennis court or jogging trail; it starts in romantic restaurants and in movie theaters over shared tubs of popcorn.
But when one person is trying to lose weight, a favorite restaurant becomes a den of temptation. Bonding over a pint of ice cream while watching television seems just as sinister. The significant other of a person who's embarked on a new weight-loss program often doesn't understand that the couple's routines must change profoundly, and this might mean giving up some of the habits acquired during courtship, even those designed to show thoughtfulness.
Inside the mind of the overweight significant other
From a psychological perspective, self-esteem is intrinsically tied to body image as it is currently defined by culture. Jim and Eileen love the significant others in their lives, weight and body size notwithstanding. But to those who carry the burden of extra weight, such unconditional love seems impossible.
Their fit counterparts might not grasp when they commit smaller peccadilloes that seem like a direct attempt to sabotage or undermine their efforts. Jim, for example, doesn't understand that squiring Jenny to their favorite Italian food restaurant is like dragging a recovering alcoholic to a bar and expecting them to make pleasant conversation in an environment where temptation is rife and often overwhelming.
Many people who embark on diet and fitness plans have not yet acquired the tools to oversee their plan's effectiveness. Lack of self-control, moderation or diligent application to an exercise program is precisely the way they gained those extra pounds to begin with. So is it fair to expect the overweight loved one to cultivate self-discipline on a whim?
When saying I love you anyway isn't enough
Everything from the latest fashion to the size of airplane seats sends a message to those who suffer from weight problems that they are expected to adhere to a certain socially-acceptable body size. Knowing that they have the unconditional love of the person at home isn't enough when the rest of the world eyes them with revulsion -- or looks away entirely.
A person who is overweight may be passed over for a job opportunity because of their physical appearance. Or they might find themselves wandering in the plus-sized department only to find that they are limited to a bland, limited selection of clothing. These cues tacitly tell a person suffering from weight problems that they need to shape up or risk being excluded.
Express yourself
Most people consider weight a very personal issue. An overweight person who suffers from poor self-esteem as a result may look in the mirror and disparagingly wonder, "why would anyone be attracted to me when I look like this?"
But elucidating these doubts to the person with whom they are most intimate physically and emotionally is still difficult. Confessing feelings of unattractiveness connotes that weight has a negative effect on the relationship, rather than the lack of self-esteem that is the result of excess weight and poor body image.
Jack would find it far more beneficial to be honest with Eileen by expressing his feelings of frustration and envy. Eileen, a conditioned athlete, could help Jack get on the track to fitness by helping him design an exercise plan, and even include him in her own. However, if he rejects her constructive criticism about his dieting methods, Eileen won't feel inclined to ask Jack with his weight loss plan unless he asks.Open the lines of communication
Understanding the person who struggles with poor body image begins by opening the lines of communication. If your spouse or significant other opens up to you, the biggest gift you can give them is your unconditional acceptance of whatever feelings and thoughts they experience.
Negating their feelings by saying, "that's silly" or "you shouldn't feel that way" is counterproductive. Equally damaging is assuring them you understand just how they feel, when there's no way that you can (and an overweight person knows that, too).
Listen -- really listen -- before trying to offer practical advice. Find out the triggers that make that person want to indulge or the factors than prevent them from beginning an exercise plan. Know all of the new rules that will apply to the relationship, even if it means avoiding the old familiar places that evoke temptation or yearning. Only by discovering how you can be a part of your significant other's support network can you be a part of their self-esteem recovery.